How did we get to this place? How could things have gone so wrong? God, what had I done wrong? I could remember our first meeting as if it were yesterday. He was so tall, so handsome, so strong. I was wearing a baby blue button up shirt, pencil skirt and black heels. Even with those five inches added he was still towering over. He wore a black polo, dark jeans, and that amazing smile. I had my nose in my books - off in my own little world no paying attention to where I was going. I have always been a bit on the clumsy side. BAM. I slammed right into that strong chest of his. Paper and books went flying all over the place. And me? Well, I couldnt stop starring at him. He must have thought I was either insane, or a total ditz, or both. All he did was smile. That big beautiful smile that I immediately fell in love with. God, it still gives me goosebumps to this day.

Here. Let me help you. His words were kind, smoothing, caring. The voice of someone with a lot of love to give and no place to put it yet. Shit, what a mess I was. Stumbling over my words, flailing all over the place. I still can not believe he married me after all of that. After I had collected myself, he held out his hand. Im Judah. Nice to meet you. I, of course, shook it. Damn, it was strong. He was much older than I was, gorgeous from head to toe. Those eyes - the eyes that I see when I look in to my daughters faces. Thank the lord they have his beautiful eyes. I remember our first date. It was to a cute little Italian restaurant just off campus. I remember being so nervous. To be honest, I almost didnt even show up. But once I saw his eyes looking back at me, I knew everything was going to be okay. He was, and has always been, so good at keeping me calm and grounded. Hes not just my husband, hes my best friend. He knows what I love and what I hate, he knows my favorite movie and food and song. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. I could not have been more honored to walk down the aisle with him nearly 18 years ago.

Reflecting on the past is one of the hardest parts of a separation. You always think of what you could have done differently, or said differently, or how you could have tried harder. Sometimes you wonder if you really gave it your all. Did you try everything you could to save it? How can I justify asking for a separation to my children? I wanted space to build a life for myself, when I should have been focused on building a life for our family. Sometimes you wonder if you were too selfish, or not selfish enough.

I love you forever.